Canadian Lyndsay

Sometimes, so many bad things happen at once, you have no choice but to look up at all the wonderful things that are in your life.

After Matthew’s death, losing my job, and my laptop hard drive dying, I was feeling pretty beaten down. All I could think about was “bad things come in threes.”

But what about “third time’s a charm”? Twelve years ago, less two days, the first traumatic event of my life occurs. There’s really only two ways to go when something like that happens – you either let it destroy you, or you accept that it happened, it can’t be changed, a look for what you can gain from the experience. So after that event, at 12 years old, I made a decision to make the most of even the most heartbreaking feelings. Move forward!

While I face falling apart, I am shocked and touched by generosity that seems to come out of the woodwork. How bad can things be when I have friends, colleagues, and even medical professionals who are making sacrifices for ME?? In the past couple of weeks, any tears I have shed have been from the realization that people care about me and want me to succeed.

And succeed I will! This morning I return from a meeting with my first client and I am thrilled and excited about the opportunity in front of me. I will require a lot of work, but I’m ready.

Now… to go to Vegas or not go to Vegas? That is the question…

I have countless memories from my six years with Matthew. There is absolutely zero possibility of narrowing it down to one, so I’ll share a few.

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For probably two years, Tuesday night was “our” night. I worked at Canadian Tire every Tuesday night, and Matthew had band practice with the Lincoln and Welland Regiment. After I finished work, I would drive to the armoury and hang out until practice was over. I would hang out with Matthew and the other band members (I fondly remember Ben, Tracy, Jack, Vic among others) while everyone cleaned up after practice. Then, every week, we would go to Pizza Hut. As it was often around 10, we were usually the only people there. We had the same waitress, her name escapes me right now, but her sister Sarah went to high school with us.

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The day Matthew gave me my promise ring was a Tuesday, in the Pizza Hut parking lot before we went in that evening. It was a week or two before I was going to go away to college.

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A couple weeks later, it was September 11, 2001. I don’t recall if Matthew was technically still with the army besides the band, but we were terrified he would be sent to fight a war. September 12, I could stand being away from him, so I drove all the way home so we could spend time together that evening. I remember we went to see The Muskateer at Famous Players at the Pen Centre.

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Prom was a great time. We only stayed for maybe after an hour because it was clear that the “popular” people were dominating this party. We left at about 8, and decided to hang out at his house. We had to stop at Walmart though, and I sent him inside to buy me a pair of track pants so I wouldn’t have to lounge around in my fancy red dress. We went home and laid around his basement for a few hours watching TV. That was the best way I could imagine spending prom.

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When he graduated from Customs College (as we fondly called it), myself and the girlfriends of two of his friends drove up to Rigeau, Quebec drove up for the ceremony. The six of us had a really great time. Matthew was so happy. He had hated being up there and the relief of being done made him ecstatic.

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Being out here in Winnipeg, I am feeling really out of touch and alone through this. I would love it if other people would post their memories here. Please pass the message along. There are so many people I’d like to reconnect with.

Lyndsay (Lynn)

SQUIRE, Matthew William – A past proud member of the Lincoln Welland Concert Band, longtime member of the St. Catharines Scouts, Chief Scouts Award recipient; passed away suddenly on Friday, September 29, 2006, in his 25th year. Dear loving son to Bill and Barbara, he will be sadly missed by his twin brother Mark. Dear grandson to Emily Wade, dear nephew to Don and Darlene Wade. Matthew will also be missed by his cousins Elton and Charlotte Wade and Nadine and Jason Furlong. He is predeceased by his grandparents Robert Wade of Orillia and Chester and Lillian Squire of Quebec. The family will receive friends at the HULSE & ENGLISH FUNERAL HOME & CHAPEL, 75 Church St. (905-684-6346) on Tuesday, October 3, 2006 from 2-4 and 7-9 p.m. Funeral Service will be held at First Grantham United Church on Wednesday, October 4, 2006 at 11 a.m. with interment in Niagara Lakeshore Cemetery. In memory of Matthew and his dedication and kindness to others, donations to Niagara Peninsula Children’s Centre (Crippled Children ) or Niagara Humane Society would be appreciated by the family.

How does one grieve for the loss of someone they spent 6 years of their life with, but haven’t seen or talked to in over a year?

I am faced with that now, reeling from the news that my ex-boyfriend Matthew was found shot dead in his apartment late last week.

The news did not hit me hard. Somehow, I wasn’t surprised and I was ready for the news. Matthew had chosen a career that had major occupational hazards that had almost taken his life more than once over the past few years.

I wasn’t prepared to hear that he had been shot in the head, and possibly pulled the trigger himself.

I was doing fine… Saturday night… Sunday… mind you, I am blessed with the love of the greatest man – Dave. My this morning, as other blogs start to populate with posts regarding Matthew’s death, I see a couple pictures of him have been posted. All of the sudden my eyes filled with tears. I think that makes it all the more real.

I am not going to the funeral, I really only entertained that thought for a few minutes. A year and a half ago, I closed the door to the part of my life I shared with Matthew. I grieved then. I won’t open that wound again – there’s no point.

Thank you Adam and Miriam for keeping me updated on what’s going on.